I have wanted to be an artist for as long as I can remember. From coloring with my mom on the kitchen table, to watching my dad draw on his drafting table, to going to my grandmother’s house to play with her clay face in the basement (who knows how many times she had to remake that face, but she never let us NOT play with it - I can still smell it), art was always in and around me.

All of these memories are so pivotal to my desire to be an artist. Everyone around me created. My mom used to make my sister and my halloween costumes every year until we were about eight, and she used to make the most amazing cakes - a skill that my sister carried on later in life. To be surrounded by so much creativity felt so natural, so normal.

My sister and I - circa 1980s. I remember the wood paneling <3

The only thing I ever wanted to be was an artist - there was never a question. It’s the only thing I can remember wanting to be. Thankfully, I had a mom who supported me in the decision to go to college for art - I don’t know what I would have done if I couldn’t go to school for fine art.

I was lucky enough to acquire a lot of oil paint from my high school art teacher since we didn’t use oils in school anymore (hello, fumes and zero ventilation!), and my grandmother gave me a lot of pastel chalk and conte crayons. I can’t even imagine how much money my mom spent on supplies for me. The support I received was incredible. Thinking back on it now I remember my sister even drew a piece for me so I’d have the proper quantity of pieces to show for my “audition” to get into the art school that I wanted! It takes a village?

I always had this desire to be “good” like other people. My work was never good enough and so I tended to do a lot of copying when I was in school. And by copying, I’m not talking about “copying the masters” - I’m talking about copying my classmates. I am of course ashamed of that, but when you’re impressionable in school you think that everyone is better than you. You want to be like them and make choices based on what THEY think is good - not necessarily what you think is good.

My final thesis project - paintings made out of paper! I still have them!

I loved my time in art school - it was honestly some of the greatest years of my life. I made so much art and made some really great friends. Once I graduated though - real life set in, and I didn’t pick up a paintbrush for at least ten years…

Looking back I can’t believe it. Something that consumed my every moment, just done. I realize now what it was. I was going through the motions of what I thought an artist was - trained and perfect in every skill, “formal” complete knowledge of human anatomy, an expert figure drawer, and still life extraordinaire.

I felt like a fake - I wasn’t any of those things. And since I thought that’s what an artist was, I never allowed myself to explore the side of art that I truly liked - abstract art.

I was too afraid of what people would think and how it would be seen. I remember one class where I did explore abstract. I made three small square canvases - I still have them - they were a bit like abstract skies. My teacher at the time came up to me and said something like “ you better be done soon,” but he didn’t say it in a mean or frustrated way. It was almost like he knew they were complete, and I was too afraid to admit it, so he gave me a nudge. Since they didn’t take me very long (that was another assumption - that “good” art had to be agonized over for months/years before it was finished), I just assumed I couldn’t already be done!

I guess square canvases and abstracts have always been my jam?

Because I never explored that abstract part of my creativity, I didn’t feel a strong pull to keep creating once there was no grade or class schedule to keep pushing me.

I deeply regret the years I went without creating. I lost so much of myself in that time.

I became a single mother and prioritized work for my kiddo. Once she turned 1-ish, I started to think about art again, but it wasn’t until 2018 when I started A Calculated Mess that I really, truly began making more.

The biggest realization - that my college years weren’t as fruitful as they could have been - was a recent light bulb moment. Again, I don’t regret my time there - it was essential to my growth. But when I look back and see how little I took advantage of the tools I had at my fingertips, I just wonder how my art career could have been different if I went through those four years of art college NOW.

That’s why I choose to create every day - whether I make something good or terrible, I make. I make and make and make some more. I make to keep the creativity flowing, to keep the joy alive.

I make so that Past Jessica isn’t disappointed. To show Past Jessica that even though you thought you were bad, you WEREN’T - and those skills you learned MEANT something. To show Past Jessica that Future Jessica will take the risks that you weren’t ready to take, and I promise you, Future Jessica will show you how good you really are.

Past Jessica never knew how good she was. But Present and Future Jessica know she was great.

But to answer the question, no… I didn’t pay for my art education. I was lucky enough to get it for free. So at least there’s that. :-)

You Didn't Pay For That Art Education, Did You?